I miss across-the-street neighbors

For whatever reason(s), today was just a lonely downer of a day for me. I just feel as if there are weights on me. I guess one of the prices you end up paying if you decide to be a money-saving commuter student is that you feel alone some of the time.

Yesterday I had a nice breakfast with one of my friends who I very seldom see, but then the rest of the day was spent sitting and working on homework. I got through the readings ok, and I wrote a not-very-good paper for a class, but the bulk of my day was spent working on these pre-calculus problems, which were supposed to be review of things we already knew. I literally spent hours and hours working on that assignment, from not too long after breakfast until dark. I had to give up on a lot of them, too. It's a very frustrating experience to struggle with something that's supposed to be easy, but I guess I've had several of those experiences.

My parents suggested I drop the class and switch majors... I guess to political science? What am I going to do with a Political Science degree? I have some talents (underdeveloped as they may be at this point,) but they aren't in anything useful, so I feel stuck and worthless. Why am I even in school? I'm just going to study something that isn't going to help me get a job. Last night I thought about it and decided to just try to help people, even if I'm not the person who could do the most good. I've been blessed to be born in the US, and that's advantage enough for me to try to help the less fortunate. I just need to think of how, so that even if my degree ends up being worse than worthless, I won't be held back from making a positive difference.

So anyway, today I'm just really not feeling connected to anyone. Everyone has their own lives they're concerned with, and I can just wander around the house. And now I'm up at 11:18 pm, not really tired, and still feeling down when I start reminiscing.

When I was in Elementary School, Sarah and Olivia were around to play with. But when we were bored, we would just wait and see if the Zoellners were home. Olivia and I would even wait in our driveway, trying to send telepathic messages for them to come home. And when they did, we would do all kinds of stuff!

We'd play in the creek, play "Military", ride our bikes around, have a "funeral" for Josh, sled down the stairs in a blanket, find creative ways to wage war on the ants, drag each other in a wagon, build dams, picnic on the roof, make orange juice with a power drill, climb trees, and much, much more! For some reason, one of the funnest things I remember is when there was a rain-storm, we just opened the garage door, had a radio on, and used nets and cups and other random things to "predict/measure" the weather. We just had so much fun, acting like we were doing any kind of real work while the storm was going on. We also acted like the weathermen didn't know what they were talking about, and that's why it was up to us.

But Olivia, Sarah and I all had fun a lot of the time by ourselves. We'd always be outside playing games we made up, throwing gravel into the creek or looking for frogs, swinging, pogo-sticking, playing with our animals or with some electronic toy we'd gotten for Christmas, and making little videos. It was a blast. I feel sorry for Laura, because I know her childhood was (and still is) spent with people telling her what to do, or telling her "no". We live in a different house, and there aren't kids her age for her to play with; just old tired parents and a mopey older sister in college who never want to do anything.

My childhood was carefree, at least it seems that way in hindsight. There wasn't too much indecision over what to play or how to spend my time, and it seems like today most aspects of my life are paralyzed with fear of making the wrong choice. Even doing things that have value feel pointless to me in the scheme of things, and too often it's hard for me to be motivated. It's ironic that in the electronic age, I feel less connected to people than ever I did when I was a kid. I would pay a lot to get to experience a week from my childhood again. I'd be perfectly content to wait with Olivia in our driveway for the Zoellners to come home.

--Sannah